The format of the headline is not in all Caps like it should be. The Headline does not grab my attention. It sounds like it is just stating the subject of the context. The headline does have verbs in present tense. This headline is using an article which is not suppose to be in a headline.
Below is one of the headlines for one of Mayo Clinic’s news releases for Sept. 24, 2015.
Servant Leadership, Mayo Values and a Message From the Pope
The lead of Mayo Clinic is longer than 25 words. Which is too long it should be brief What would help the format of this press release is to add a sub headline that would be able to expand from what the headline states.
This is the Lead.
“Mayo Clinic employee John Murphy learned two weeks ago he was going to see Pope Francis address a joint meeting of Congress. He was interested in the pontiff’s message because of his work with the Mayo Clinic Values Council, which promotes Mayo Clinic values and perpetuates the Franciscan legacy on its Saint Marys campus, and also as part of his personal values journey.” Dana Sparks,
The subject matter is newsworthy because it talks about how an employee from Mayo Clinic is going to see Pope Francis; Pope Francis is currently in the United States visiting and of course he is in every media channel.
The mayo clinic news release does answer the five Ws who, what when where and why. It also states its organization’s core values which is a key component to be in the boiler plate of a news release. This news release was very brief and to the point which is what journalist like.
The headline of the Press Release for HP is very interesting because it uses active verbs such as simplifies. It grabs the reader’s attention by telling the reader there is something new and exciting happening. The Headline should be in all Capital Letters.
HP Dramatically Simplifies the End User Experience With New IT Service Broker Products
The subheadline is very good because it follows very well along with the headline by expanding on what the press release is about.
HP Propel and HP Service Anywhere Accelerate, Simplify, and Optimize Delivery of Apps and Services for End Users
The press release is too long. Journalist want brevity in a press release. The ideal press release should be only 200-250 words they press release has more than double.
Although the Press Release is long it does have a consistent font and it separates the quotes with a different font. It also uses bullet to convey key points. This HP press release also has two to three short sentences per paragraph.
The subject matter is news worthy because it uses human interest. HP being a technology company uses people’s appeal to innovating technology
The content is not straight forward because if it was it would have been brief and gotten to the main point of the subject. The press release has several quotes which can be problematic. Quotes can sometimes use too much jargon: they need to be conversational so people can understand. The quotes must provide information about the topic and a great insight from the top heads of the company. One of the quotes that HP should’ve left out is: “HP Propel is fundamental to our service broker strategy, and has greatly reduced end user confusion and saved the IT team from manually entering requests. Most importantly, it plays an important role in helping Bell Canada operate at high speed in order to better serve our customers.” This quote does give good information, but what good is it if the reader does not understand what is their broker strategy is. They need to remove the jargon and make turn this information conversational.
Google’s press release headline:
Supporting our young scientists through the Google Science Fair
The headline could have been more creative, but it does state what the press release is about. The headline should be in all Capital letters.
All the paragraphs were written in 2 to 3 short sentences except for one paragraph was little longer with one more sentence. The photo placement was very well done because it keeps the reader’s attention to the press release. The photos flowed very well with the body of the press release. Google added links so people could continue to read more about the information which is better that writing too much information in the press release.
The subject matter
The subject matter is about Google helping young scientist through their Fair. This is a good subject because it talks about how Google gives back to the community which gives Google a good corporate social responsibility. This gets people interested to read on how Google is helping young scientist because the Google Fair tackles very important global issues.
The content is very conversational for a big corporation. Google could’ve used a lot of jargon, but since they didn’t the reader can understand the message without any problems. All of the five Ws are answered thoroughly. The press release was brief and very clear.
The Format of the press release is very well done. The quotes should be able to stand out by being bold. The spacing should be double space.
The content is very informative. It gives the reader an insight on what Heinz does for the community.
Redoing a Headline for HP
FORMING FUTURE SCIENTIST THROUGH GOOGLE FAIR
Google is going on its fifth year of the Google Science Fair. Mariette DiChristina, the Editor in Chief and senior vice president of Scientific, thought that the idea of Google having a science competition that would be for students age 13- 18 was a great idea, but never imagined how impactful it would be to the community.